Don't you just hate it when everything goes wrong? That's just what it felt like today. It just seems like he did it on purpose. I asked him to do just one little thing to make my grandma happy. But he didn't, he blew it out of proportion, then just left me there. If I didn't have our two friends there... I don't know what I would of done. I just don't understand, if you love someone how could you do something like that to them? How could you just leave them so rudely? It's not like I didn't ask him to come back, because I did ask him to come back. But he didn't. I guess I knew all along this day was coming. I could just feel it. That feeling when you people grow apart. But they just don't want to admit it. I've been feeling that from him for a long time now. Just waiting, waiting to see if those feelings were real or not. And hoping that they weren't. I so desperately didn't want them to be real.
After so long doing the same things, you get used to it. Then everything else just doesn't seem right. Even the littlest things, things you never seem to notice until it's so bluntly put out there. I can not even sleep because he is not by my side. I wonder where he is... Recently it's been feeling like there's someone else. Someone else he'd rather be with, or just plain someone else he is with. I don't know, is either one of them better then the other? Maybe there isn't another person, maybe we've just lost touch of the reason we feel in love. How can you just walk away from a life you worked so hard to create? To have?
I don't want him thinking that he can do whatever he pleases, then come back the next day and act like nothing just happened. I don't want him thinking that he can have it any way he wants. I love him very deeply, he's the father of my child. And the man I will love for a very long time after this. But he wanted to walk out of this relationship, and as I told him. There's not going to be another chance. Every time we break up, we end up making up. But I don't want that anymore. I just want it clean cut. I'm tired of needing him, and depending on him. Putting everything else on the back burner for me. I refuse to take him back.
In the end, he knows I'd do anything for him. But that's just not what I want. I want to be with him so badly, but I don't want to be controlled by my love for him. If not being with him will make us both understand how two people should act when they are together. I think I'll really try my hardest to just not be together anymore. I can do so much better. And maybe after some time apart when we both change a little. Maybe I can get better, in him. I really honestly can't see myself with anyone else, having Skyler and all. But it just seems so easy for him to just pick up and be with someone else. But I'm not just going to get back with him so he doesn't move on. If he moves on he moves on.
We worked so hard to be with each other. It took so much time of liking, and unliking, yearning and waiting for us to be together. When Skyler came into the picture. I never knew Thomas loved me so much that on the night Skyler was born he was right by my side. Holding me, comforting, and shedding tears for me. I never knew how much I really loved him, until that moment. I knew then that, he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But maybe it's just too soon, we're both just a little to immature for a real relationship. All this time together, and we haven't grown a bit. Being a mother and a father did not change that fact that we're still young and still selfish.
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